From Loss
by Roschelle Templar
Summary: The hardest step to take is one that starts from loss...*Pre-Canon*


Author's Note: Having recently started to watch ACGaS years after reading the books, I have fallen in love with the adorable dynamic between Siegfried and Tristan Farnon.

Thus, I started to think about what sort of beginnings might have shaped their complex relationship (including the fact that Siegfried clearly feels he has to be both father and big brother to Tristan) and this fic came to me.

This is set toward the end of WWI, and in my head canon there is a 15-16 year age difference between the siblings.

From Loss

The day had started out much like any other day in the Farnon household.

Mother had gotten up early to check on Tristan, a toddler already, and then started on breakfast for the two of them and for her older son, Siegfried, who was getting close to the end of his teenage years.

Siegfried allowed himself the luxury of sleeping in for a few extra minutes before climbing out of bed and getting ready to start his day. He had the day off from his part time job at the stables and decided he would do some additional studying. He got himself dressed and ready for breakfast before fetching Tristan and taking him out to the dining room.

"Your brother is growing so fast," Mother said as Siegfried set him onto a chair that had been boosted with a couple of pillows. "Won't your father be surprised to see how big he has gotten?" She then turned pleased eyes toward him. "And he will be so proud to hear of your news."

Siegfried grinned at her and sat down to his own breakfast. A couple of days ago, he received the letter he had spent weeks anxiously watching for: his acceptance into veterinary school. It was the thing he had revolved his whole life around for the past few years was all, ever since he realized that he longed to turn his love of animals into his vocation. He had spent every spare minute to himself studying about animals and even worked part-time jobs around farmers, horse trainers and feed stores just to pick up additional knowledge.

When the letter of acceptance finally did arrive, Siegfried had not been able to hold back his exuberance. He had hollered, rushed around the house, repeatedly hugged his mother, and had even danced around with Tristan in his arms, all from the sheer joy of it.

The only thing that had put a damper on that joy was the absence of his father.

Siegfried scooped up the last of his eggs and popped them into his mouth. His father had always encouraged his studies and had listened attentively whenever Siegfried babbled about some new fact he had learned or about a stray animal he had seen. He had wished he could have shared that moment with his father. So he could see how all of that support and encourage had borne fruit. Unfortunately, Father was still far away, fighting in a war that was finally starting to show signs of ending.

Of course, Father kept in touch with letters and even a couple of telegrams, but it wasn't at all the same as having his strong, comforting presence in the home. Mother did her best to never show how scared she was for him or how much she missed him, but Siegfried could sense all of it just the same.

Siegfried worried about him too, but he simply couldn't imagine any other outcome than the war ending and Father coming home to make their family whole again. Reports on the radio made it sound like it would happen soon. Maybe in just a few months. Father probably would not be able to make it home before Siegfried had to leave for his studies, but it would be enough just to know that he was home.

Suddenly, a little dollop of porridge landed in the middle of Siegfried's plate. Arching his eyebrows, he looked up to see Tristan giggling.

"S'gfried catch," he babbled, flashing a toothy grin.

Siegfried made sure to give him a stern look. "Don't you dare," he said. "I mean it, Tristan." He waggled his finger for emphasis, but that just prompted more giggles.

The stern expression softened. "You little scamp. You're supposed to be eating that porridge, little brother, not playing with it. Come on then."

Siegfried reached over and repositioned the spoon in Tristan's hand and guided him to go back to eating from his bowl, stopping him for just one second to wipe a bit of porridge off his chin. Mother watched this scene with a fond look in her eyes.

"Your father used to give me the same smile before he did some silly thing to make me laugh," she said. "I know it might seem impossible now with how quiet and responsible he is. But when we were younger…he was ever so playful."

Once they were all finished, Mother worked on clearing away the breakfast things while Siegfried finished cleaning off Tristan's face and hands.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Siegfried was in his room reading from the old veterinary texts he had received as a gift from a retired vet in town who had seen promise in him. Tristan had been put down for a nap, and Mother was visiting in the front room with some of the neighbor ladies.

A harsh shout from the front room made Siegfried leap up from his chair and rush out of his bedroom. He found his mother standing hunched over, being supported by both Mrs. Ellington and her sister, Betty. Mother was weeping uncontrollably.

Siegfried was about to ask what happened when he spied a crumbled telegram on the floor. He picked it up and scanned it.

It was only a few words, but those few words would change their little family forever.

' _The army regrets to inform you…injured in battle….died in hospital…'_

Siegfried's hands shook as he let the paper fall onto a nearby stand. Then he marched over and embraced his mother who clung to him.

"Oh, oh, Siegfried," she sobbed. "How…why….why did he have to…?"

Siegfried shook his head silently. It wasn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. The war was supposed to be ending soon. His father was supposed to coming home and they would all be reunited. Life was supposed to go back to its busy, but happy peace.

It wasn't fair.

"There now," Mrs. Ellington said, patting his mother's back. "Come and sit down, and Betty will get you something, all right, dear?"

Siegfried let his mother go and watched her be guided to the couch while Betty rushed off to the kitchen. Mrs. Ellington continued to soothe Mother while she cried. Meanwhile, Siegfried stood there silently, his throat tight and his eyes burning. He felt helpless, a feeling he hated and which he felt almost as keenly as the grief that was overtaking him.

He needed to do something, but was at a loss to know what he could do.

A cry from the nursery caught his attention. Tristan. Siegfried looked at his mother and was certain that she was in no condition to tend to his baby brother. He heard another cry and took off to check on him.

When he got to the nursery, he found Tristan sitting up in bed, rubbing tiny fists over crying eyes.

"Tristan, what's wrong?" Siegfried said, crouching down in front of him. "Have a bad dream?"

Tristan nodded and hiccupped. Then he sniffled and held up his arms.

"S'gfried," he choked.

Nodding in understanding, Siegfried reached down and lifted Tristan up into his arms. His brother had been born only about a year before Father had left for the war. Siegfried knew that Tristan probably had no memories of him. The only family Tristan had ever known was his mother and his big brother, Siegfried who had done his best to help Mother take care of him.

Tristan couldn't know, couldn't understand, the loss they had all just suffered.

Siegfried sat down heavily into the rocking chair in the room, still holding his baby brother in his arms. Tristan curled up against him, sucking his thumb drowsily.

He swallowed hard as his thoughts went back to his father. There were so many things Siegfried wished he could have talked to him about. His acceptance into veterinary school was the start of major changes in his life. It was exciting and he was eager to get started, but there was still a bit of nervousness over it all. About how exactly his life would change and what sort of future lay ahead for him.

Whenever he had felt confused or unsure in the past, Siegfried would go on a long walk with Father, and the two of them would slowly talk things out. But now there would be no more long walks. No more evenings playing cards by the fireplace. No more rides together on horseback along the countryside.

Siegfried ground his jaw. There was anger mixed in with the sorrow. He silently raged against all the people who wanted this war and against the soldiers who had killed his father. There was even a tiny sliver of anger for his father for allowing himself to die rather than come home to his family. It didn't last though, and soon, the anger was smothered again by sadness, leaving Siegfried feeling lost and empty.

Small sticky fingers curled into his shirt, causing Siegfried to look down. Tristan had fallen back asleep, his eyes shut and his mouth slightly open. Siegfried could still hear the sounds of crying and mumbled assurances from the front room and knew that his mother would not be looking in on Tristan for a while.

It was that thought that made Siegfried feel like he'd taken a blow to the stomach. He suddenly remembered that he wasn't the only one who had lost a father. His baby brother no longer had a father either. And unlike Siegfried, Tristan would never grow up with his own father who would talk to him, encourage him, and guide him to manhood.

Of course, he still had his mother, and Mother was a loving, nurturing parent. However, she was also rather permissive and would usually leave the matters of discipline and guidance to her husband. Besides, a boy needed a man to help instruct him on how to become a man himself.

Who would watch over Tristan now and make sure he learned what he needed to in order to grow up properly?

Despite the bitter loss he was still trying to work through, Siegfried felt a growing regret for everything Tristan would never have. He looked down again at the slumbering child in his arms, not much more than a baby, really, and felt an aching pity for him.

Tristan shifted, and for a moment, Siegfried thought his little brother was waking up. Instead, Tristan let his head droop down and snuggled closer to his brother before falling back into a deeper slumber. Soon, a breathy snore started up.

"Silly Tris," Siegfried said softly. "What are we going to do with you?"

Tristan slept on, oblivious. The fingers closed around the fabric of Siegfried's shirt had loosened, but had not let go. A sad smile appeared on Siegfried's face as he watched his brother sleep. He began to rock the chair slowly, making sure to mind the board in the floor that creaked if he went too fast.

It was in that moment, while watching Tristan sleep and rocking him back and forth, that Siegfried came to a decision. As the man of the house, he would have to be the one to watch over Tristan now. He would have to take on some of the duties of a father as well as continue to be a big brother. It would not be at all easy with his studies and then the fieldwork he would have to do later on. But there were still holidays, vacations, weekends off, and weeks in between terms. He would make use of that time to take care of Tristan.

Granted, Siegfried was painfully aware that he could never completely fill the hole that his father's death had left in the family or in Tristan's life in particular. Nevertheless, Siegfried swore then and there that he would try his damndest to make sure that Tristan suffered as little as possible from this loss.

Another wave of sorrow passed over Siegfried's heart, but he continued to gently rock his brother, watching him sleep and letting the affection he felt for him soothe his grief.

"It'll be all right, Tristan," he whispered. "We'll get through this, you'll see. We're going to be all right, little brother. I promise."


End file.
